Drip, Drip...

I'm beaten down. It is just that plain and simple. I can admit it, I'm not afraid of looking weak. I sometimes talk a good game of being strong, but really life is hard, difficult and frequently blah. No, I don't have cancer, nor is my home getting foreclosed. Yes, I'm probably being over dramatic, but it is the way I feel. It is like chinese water torture, the constant drip drip of life's annoyances, difficulties and struggles. So now that you are feeling totally down as you read this. I'll just leave you. Nah. No, not yet.

One of my favorite verses is a Psalm which I always forget which number since there are like over a hundred of them. And it is Psalm 61:2 "From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Yes that is me, crying from the end of the earth to God to pull me to His Rock. Save me! I'm wallowing in my own self pity and mired in a sea of conflicts and emotional baggage. What in goodness name has set me off like this, you might ask? Well, I was in a minor rear end traffic accident. I was rear ended on the way to take my little Raffe man to see his doctor. Side note: He has another cold and of course another ear infection. Thank God, we are seeing the ENT this Thursday. End Note.

So it was a little bumper. My neck and shoulders are a bit sore and stiff and I did go see a doctor this morning, just to check it out. But really, I'm fine. But today, I think the heaviest damage is felt in my soul. I just feel beaten down. So I'm publicly saying, Lord, please help me. Please help me in the inside. In the internal workings of my mind in which even talking to dear mom can't resolve.

I apologize, I was hoping I would have some really uplifting end part to this entry, but it ain't going to happen today. I know it will happen.

Tv is talking to me.

Raffi is pretty much all better from his ear infections, cold and other illnesses. Doug and I are still on the mend. Emotionally it still has been touch and go for me. Some it has to do with last weeks bombshell, my illnesses, being tired and being cooped up in the house. So I've gone a little nutty. I still have a tendency to try to fix things; amazing when you are up against a wall and you think, hhmm, what is the matter of this wall, maybe I'll create an anti-matter gun to blah balh, instead of just asking for help from God.

I regularly watch the new Battlestar Gallatica TV show on the Scifi network. Doug actually got me into it. It is an amazingly deep and complex show. On the most recent episode, the tag line was "This has happened before and will happen again." In the series, the it is the conflict between humans and cylons/machines. But for me it also is true of everything else, including this recent financial crisis. Today, in my bible study, it brought be to the book of Amos, where Israelites wealthy had become rich and complacent and God calls the women of that group "cows" (Amos 4:1). They oppressed the needy for their own greed. I hope that I haven't been one of those cows.

In my bibles notes on Amos, it writes "Everyone was optimistic, business was booming and people were happy (except for the poor and oppressed.) With all the comfort and luxury came self-sufficiency and a false sense of security. But prosperity brought corruption and destruction." Amazing. This has happened before and will happen again."

Verse on my mind

Isaiah 55:2

2 Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.



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Scripture and Developments

Today I felt better than yesterday. Raffi and I got some good sleep, I think he woke up less. And today, twice Raffi pulled himself up from a sitting position to standing. And he went to sleep on his own for his afternoon nap and for bedtime tonight. I had to be right next to him, but hey its a step in the right direction. (normally he only nurses to sleep.) That was encouraging.

And speaking of encouraging, My mom prayed for me and sent me a large email of scripture that she prayed for me; here are a few of my favorites:

Isaiah 40:29 (New International Version)
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Psalm 27:1 (New International Version)
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Ephesians 3:16 (New International Version)
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,

and my own personal favorite:

Psalm 61:2

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

I love that thought, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. It helps me acknowledge that I can't do it alone. That there is a rock higher than me.

Doctor, Doctor Help Me

Raphael turned 9 months yesterday and had his 9 month doctor visit. He is approximately 16lbs 10ozs and is 27 inches long. I think he probably weighs more, he was crying while on the scale and it couldn't get an accurate weight. But he is doing good. He also received his last RSV shot. Thank yous and praises to God, that Raffi survived his first winter without any major illness such as RSV. Yeh!

After the doctor visit, we went to Doug's office to show him off. I was a little concerned that we would have a major implosion on our hands after a docs visit, shot and a bunch of strange people staring at him, but he did really well. He was a little apprehensive at first, especially when their was over six adoring fans staring at him at one time. I held him while we walked around and said hi and in a couple stops he was smiling and playing shy cuteness to all the ladies of the office. Then we went to the grocery store and I put him in the shopping cart seat for the first time. Really it would've been easier on me if I had bjorned him, I was so thinking about him the entire time we were shopping I could barely remember what I needed to get it. But he did great and I didn't need to worry at all. So it felt like a momentous step for me. He seemed to say "whatever mom!"

I personally did not have such a great day emotionally. I have not been getting really great sleep and last night my dreams were all stressful. So today I was grouchy, worried and felt sorry for myself. Amazing how quickly I can go from amazing spiritual clarity with the cake incident to weary dreary spiritual blindness. So I ate a whole piece of German Choc Cake from the grocery store. (hhhmmm, notice a cake theme.) Along with the cake, I prayed but really just kept feeling sorry for myself on a myriad of issues; raffi's development, my health, etc.

So tonight, I'm feeling more realistic. I can't seem to remember all that I was worrying about and some scripture has spoken to my soul:

Psalm 61:1-4

Psalm 40:1-3

Oh how fun. I just learned how to do a link. Such simple things amuse me. I hope it worked.